The woes of motherhood. The continual shaking off of these things. Have I given enough today? Have I loved enough? Do they know I love them? Have I been too hard? Am I misleading them? Why does my child not seem happy? What am I not doing right? Always, I. The weight of failing at our highest calling crushes us at times. The sadness looms. I shared all this with a friend the other day. A friend I knew would understand and extend grace because she humbly seeks life solely from God's throne too. There's something luring about being around those that admit they don't know....but they continue to seek. They know they don't have it figured out but they smile because they're learning all is grace. I shared my heart; where I felt like I was failing. How I felt guilty that my daughter seemed...sad. "Her life is beautiful....when we question what we're doing with our kids and stop to think about it, this shows we are on the right path." She sweetly remarked. One mom to another. Drawing from the christ in them because, at times, it seems to be the only way we see the Christ in ourselves. She extended grace and beauty on the most sensitive part of my life right now. My daughter. What she didn't know was I needed those couple of comments from her more than anything. I was under a cloud of guilt but wasn't sure where I had failed. And then today, I read a post from an admired author who God is using to teach all is grace, and in her post she writes about three of her children and says:
"“Lord, I pray that (Shalom) be given the gift of joy. Let the spirit of joy rise up in (Levi’s) heart this day and may (Joshua) know the fullness of joy that is found only in Your presence….”
My heart leaped. Slowly tears came as I read those lines over again. It dawned. Joy is something only the spirit can grow. It's a gift. It's not something strictly from my hand, only His. God met me in that silent moment of reading that simple prayer another mom prays. Here lied my answer. I have quietly added a new prayer to my list.....
"Lord, I pray (Lauren, my precious oldest) be given the gift of joy. Let the spirit of joy rise up in her heart this day and let her know the fullness of joy that is found only in your presence..."
I am reminded that as I seek this fruit in her life, that the enemy is out to steal our joy. I don't know, but maybe I should be seeking this fruit as well. He comes in so many forms; confusion, guilt, the fear of failing, gloom, loneliness, people......
A merry heart doeth good like a medicine but a broken spirit dries up the bones.....
Nothing needs changed outwardly......only inwardly......humbly we crawl once again to drink from His hand. Admitting we are nothing & coming to find out daily He is everything.
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