Feeling the heartbeat of loss itself.

   Most people say, "I'll never forget the day...", but I have to achingly admit, I'll never remember; I'll never remember so many of the details of that whirlwind of a day. I'll never remember, though I try, the only time I saw baby #4 on that tiny screen down in the left hand corner. I had waited two full months to get to a doctor so I could hold paper evidence of what I knew was growing inside of me. This was not just another pregnancy, not that any is, this was a prayed for little child. We waited for this miracle for over a good year & a half; this baby was wanted. This baby was dreamed about, thought of, and would have been delivered into a room full of wide open arms, which included three siblings who had made big space in their hearts (and rooms).  And when I saw that fragile little life on that screen, I remember the doctor turning the monitor on, and here's when you're supposed to hear that loud, "thump thump thump", but instead only a deafening silence echoed back; you know that silence? The silence you sometimes get when you ask God why? Or the aching silence of being utterly alone.  That was me. On that sonogram table. I was thankful ultrasounds were done in dark rooms because light would have given me away; and somehow I knew by the way the nurse looked at me with pity and the doctor made his medical analysis, that I was just another girl with another miscarriage. And I don't honestly remember all the big words that doctor sputtered off, I just remember him talking, while I stared at that tiny screen, and mouthed to that little being, please wake up.  This was the last time I saw that baby...and for the record, it was beautiful. 

    The weekend following this doctor visit, I had done respite care for a two yr old boy & his three week old preemie sister.  I remember the night plainly when the miscarriage started, more so than the day of seeing my baby on that screen. I had been up hours in the night exchanging grins, feeding, & rocking this baby girl who was new to our painful, fallen world. Everything about her, down to her dainty little nose was capturing. Her brother had already experienced loss, fear, and that utter alone-ness before his third birthday. Loss has a way of doing crazy things to people. It adds awkwardness to our life; dealing with a massive hole in your life makes your people skills tough. Chit Chatter & your everyday cup of tea becomes frustrating, but sometimes we live with that, trying to make it work, trying to fit in where we are, to avoid the deafening silence that makes us hold our ears. But isn't this what God told me to do? In that cold office, the one in the ER that day, the one where my husband & I sat & listened to a new born cry while we registered for my d&c; yes, that very day, I turned to look at an empty desk across from where we sat that held a sign that read, 'BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD.' Maybe the person who normally occupies that desk meant to have it there, but I know that day it was there for me. 

       I'll never forget, it was a sunday night. I was lying on my back with this preemie asleep on my chest. It was the only way she wanted to sleep. Sometimes we just want to be held all through the night, and don't want to be left alone in the dark. Does anyone relate to this? My side began to give me almost intolerable pain & I needed to get off my back but did not want to wake the baby. I waited a little longer before shifting the babe & I, but before I did I remember feeling her heart beat. It was steady & peaceful, as if she felt perfectly safe sleeping to the pattern of my every breath. I did not know then, but I know now, it was the very moment the heartbeat of my own baby stopped. Here I was seeping into loss, yet feeling the heartbeat of one who was loss herself. I held life that night ( and a couple weekends after) that was desperately  trying to just stay alive. I got to nurture and cup a sacred heart beat that was a logo for loss. Because of her part in my story that weekend & the comfort she brought me & my kids,  in later weekends, she will always be special, and I will always make an effort to keep up with them. We will be an open door for the rest of their lives. 
The weekend my slow & painful loss began, is the weekend two babies came home with me with nothing but a diaper bag to their name, they knew nothing but loss, and somehow when loss meets loss, they're filled. Kind of like when deep calls out to deep. Even though it's loss, you're not alone anymore. And anytime there's a death doesn't God bring life through it, or anytime one of His children suffer, those nail scarred hands bring joy in the morning. Doesn't a God, who is love Himself, know the ultimate loss of a child? And doesn't He continue to experience loss through disobedient children and those who reject His loss of the ultimate sacrifice. Yes, I am convinced that love Himself knows what a painstakingly aching heart feels like. 

     From here is where my testimony to my health begins and our foster/adoption journey took off. May days of rain meet days of sunshine, may days of dark meet days of bright, may days of loss meet days of arm fulls, and if it doesn't, may we continue to be still and continue knowing (believing, trusting, finding out) He is God. And when loss meets loss, or pain meets pain, or abandonment abandonment, or fear fear, then may the one who conquered all these things through death, be the one and only who fills exactly what He understands. 

  And sometimes pain equips us for the calling ahead....if little ones come through my door and know nothing but loss, then may pain meet pain and slowly watch a beautiful garden grow in our hearts. A garden that bears fruit & seed of the rarest kind; whose Gardener has scarred hands and is skilled in tending scarred hearts. 

When pleasing God is not your habit.

  It has been months since I felt the slightest tug, the slightest inspiration, the slightest motivation to write. I wonder why, I think to myself between the mounds of duties through out the day. Am I just at a busy stage of life? Please don't tell me I'm still comparing my writings to others that say all the right things? But they really do. Don't we outgrow that 'comparing' phase in highschool? Will I ever grow up? 

I'm surprised God is still bothering with me.

These scattered thoughts pile high as I recollect the miserable failings I had that day. Maybe it was when I lost my cool and yelled earlier. Why can I not get around to hosting friends for dinner again? I keep forgetting to return so and so's phone call. I meant to remember her birthday this year, what a lame friend I am. Why does the mud room seem to resemble all the rooms this week?  

 It's no wonder I haven't been inspired, how can I encourage others when I'm sitting in the middle of a big ol' mess created by my lack of grace and good nature. 



I'm just admitting I'm not perfect. I'm just admitting I get uninspired. I'm just stating the raw truth of my frail, dust made being. I'm simply confessing that I sometimes strive more to please YOU than....Him. 

And when I do that, I find I cannot please. I cannot write good enough, I cannot get more inspired, I cannot keep up, I find that I am dirt made and feel the reality of it. 

But amongst all the imperfect, I get a nudge--a stir--a whisper. Do you not love how the Lord woos us back to Him? How He Invites us back to commune with Him? Our filthy rags and all. 

We walk right across our muddy floors (maybe it's just mine) and past the blaring calendar of missed birthdays, past the open laptop of awesome blog posts of those ladies that probably really do have it right, past the iphone lit up with missed calls and notifications and find the feet we so desperately need to bow to, cling to, yield to, cry to, pour to.... 

It's like the woman who washed Jesus' feet with her tears and poured OUT her most valuable item she owned, on one she knew was worth more than a thousand bottles of perfume. Yes, it's like her. The one whose life was in shambles. The one who carried guilt from the day's preceding, from the weeks preceding, the years...

It's exactly like her. The one who knew she could never please her on lookers. But she didn't try. She knew her worth without the critics. But what's humbling is she ran to the one with whom she did not have to pretend. The one who knew it all, saw it all, felt it all, forgave it all, and covered it all. 

Her on lookers saw a wretched mess...a life out of order...a person who did not have it together on the outside as did they...but wouldn't you agree she had it going on when it came to the inside? Was it she or the on lookers that left whole that day? Was it she or the on lookers that felt like they had pleased someone that day, maybe for the first time? She had let everyone around her down, more so than that, disgraced them, but she left that day pleasing her savior...finally, the only one worth pleasing. 


How often can we say this of us? Are you failing at pleasing? Can you not keep up? Is it vitally important to keep everyone liking you? Do you ever look around and see a mess and wonder what you've been doing because you feel exhausted? 

Maybe, just maybe, its time for you and I to uncover our sinful priorities, those priorities that seem so important but leave us empty as the on lookers, and bend a knee to the only one worth our effort. Here in do we get the satisfaction of finally doing something right. Finally pleasing. Not only do I want to be pleasing but I want to be pleasant. The aroma of that perfume was pleasant to all those around---so go ahead, give up! Throw in the towel. We'll both be so very glad we did. 

...but does He know you?

   Afternoon dearest friends, I've had a thought weighing on me for a couple months & have very much wanted to blog about it. But most of you know, life for me right now is just "surviving." This is sad, I know. Before we started building the house I asked God to help us get through the year with much grace, to cherish it and not pass through it, mostly because I will never have Lauren at 6 again, Liberty at three again, nor Justin Jr at one. It was important to me to truly live and soak up this time with them...I get sad seeing how many days go by that I just wanted to make it through. "It's only a year," I remember Justin and I saying in the beginning, but I really think someone should have explained it to me like this, "Are you prepared for a year without your husband? If you think he's tired now, just wait, you've seen nothing yet. Are you prepared for your children to need you more than they already do? Their everyday is going to be different too, you know. Are you prepared to find out just how incapable you are? To realize just how bad you can get behind....in everything? To be stretched thin? To unleash all selfishness until you hate how ugly you are without Christ? Are you, Krysten, prepared to meet Christ as your first love again & learn to rely on Him to fill all  the many complex needs you have?" 

Had this been asked so plainly in the beginning, maybe I would have spent less time daydreaming about wall colors and grasping for God's grace sooner. 

The bible speaks plainly that a woman's desire is to please her husband. It's just grafted in her heart of hearts, it cant be helped. Her desire is for Him, her need for Him is great. Her dependency on Him & her reliance on Him is truly a mystery to the feminist viewpoint. And in a sense, I feel that rock in my life has been removed for a time. I have often whispered to the Lord during the day, "I would rather live in a hut & have my husband than have a mansion and never see Him. Why could this be your plan? Your will? It's a gift, I know...but it is one I don't remember asking for." I pray this doesn't sound ungrateful to you, readers....I'm just sharing my deepest thoughts & feelings here. Sometimes we get the most comfort and assured answers from the Lord when we are most honest. He can handle an honest heart, in fact, that's what He prefers. I remember getting married and simply wanting a comfortable home, children, an apron for cooking and that red headed guy pulling up from work everyday. Somehow this past year of building has made me long for that simplicity more than ever...I am very grateful for the gift of this new home, it's beautiful, and it's a gift from the Lord, and my husband. And I long to enjoy this gift with the most wonderful things in my life, the lives of my family. The living, breathing souls that God has placed in my life that mean more to me than any other gift except the gift of His son, Jesus. I am getting tired of picking out chandeliers or can lights and I am very ready to see my husband pull up at five and eating supper with us around the table again. There's just some things that are priceless....chandeliers, on the other hand, are not. :) 

This post was not supposed to be about all that. ^ I guess I had a lot to say about that subject, you'll have to forgive me. Here's what I have been wanting to write about lately & have not due to time, 'Does God know you?' 

It's really very profound and it's been replaying in my head quite a bit--and maybe I can tie this thought/question in with what the Lord is walking me through above. ^ 

We know the scripture that states the person who tells the Lord on judgement day about all the things He did in God's name....He even performed miracles and cast out devils in God's name. But this man does not get to enter the kingdom of heaven. Does this not blow you away? I'm sure this man who obviously possessed a power in the Lord to do these things must have been very comfortable with his relationship concerning the Lord. How could you not? He was comfortable in his own regard to the Lord, but the Lord did not know Him. . .scary.

The parable of the ten virgins; notice, they were all waiting on Him and claimed to know the bridegroom. But only the ones who had oil for their burning lamps entered in, the others were told that they were not known by Him. 

So we see two different types of people here...someone who is very busy doing things in the Lord's name & even those who are waiting on the Lord but are not yet prepared for His return. Both types really thought they knew Him! They even recognized Him.....but yet, the Lord did not know them? 

If you ask someone if they know the Lord, something comes to mind instantly; Sunday school, a preacher's sermon, a prayer they've prayed, etc, etc...and it's usually their basis of "knowing the Lord." It's their idea of Him, they're comfort zone with Christianity, and their idea of being eternally safe. 

If you turn the question around, "Does God know you?" it makes you think...it almost makes you gasp for a breath....

The bible says He knew us in our mother's womb, before we were yet formed. 

And yet the divide of sin only grows if it is not decreasing. So, yes God loves us, and yes, He formed us and knew us, but there is something very critical about coming to place when we're older and asking, "Lord, do you know me?" 

For He is a gentleman....He will not invade someone's sinful heart & life without being asked to invade.  We must be careful that our idea of Christ and history with the Lord are not one sided, but that we make sure we are letting Him know us. This is why an honest heart with the Lord is important because He will also be honest. He will recognize the ones that have His nature, the ones that He has worked in, the ones that have suffered with Him, and depended on Him, the ones that have needed Him so desperately. We must let Him know us.....and then somehow our understanding, or knowing, of the Lord will most likely be changed. 

Is this why David cried out, "Search my heart and know my thoughts. See if there be any wicked way in me." He was always asking for God to search Him, to reveal sin in his life, to prove him...to guide him. 

So among many long days, I let weary sighs & sometimes tears fall into a Father's hand who desperately longs to know me. He does not just want to see my smiling face and pretty dress on Sundays, He wants to hold me in that dark when I feel the ugliest & I've grown the weariest. 

Lord, just know me.....just know me. What an overwhelming honor.....He wants to know me. 

Blessings friends,

p.s--Thank you, Kailey Annice for encouraging me to write again.

Unfamiliar places; where we see hope clearer.

    I woke up this morning with many things on my mind, but could not pin point what was weighing on me. I felt cold so I added more layers. It wasn't long before heavy snow began to fall. More snow, I thought. Big yawns & a constant rubbing over my eyes gave away how I felt. The needs began pouring in from little people I still cannot believe came from inside me. A messy bun of hair that needed washed, baggy sweat shirt, sweat pants, thick socks, & a face with day old makeup somehow set the stage of what the inside must have looked like too. After straightening up around me & getting a couple loads folded (not yet put away) I took a gulp of coffee, not slowly enjoying as I normally would, and let  out one of the many thoughts in a whispered tone, "three deaths in the last several months. Things change so fast..." 

Thankfully these deaths have been from ones who died peacefully & had long, full lives. Though there's tears, there's a sense of peace...their journey is done, they've given all their love, hugs, service they could to the world and the ones who love them. I am still grasping for security amongst the winds of change, the familiar places now unfamiliar. When it feels like somethings (someones) missing, as if someone yanked a blanket off you in the freezing, we must know God is merely leading us on....further still....

Where we find ourselves, God is already there.....you have not arrived at this point & simply seek for Him to meet you among all the unfamiliar, you have arrived simply where He already is. Except here in this unfamiliar, He seems so much bigger than before. Somehow in the familiar we feel safe, in control & at ease....the unfamiliar is big, uncertainty whispers, chills creep up our back, & we are beckoned to trust Him. We take all He has fed us in the safe and familiar and begin to remember in the unfamiliar.

We learn to see him in more of His glory...in this chilling wind and fog that is around us, we close our eyes and trust the God of Abraham, Isaac & Jacob and in time our eyes begin to adjust. We see Him with our eyes after our faith has led us first.  

Has God led you to unfamiliar places? Does it seem chillier there? Isn't it true that it's colder the further up you climb?

If you know me at all, you probably have caught on that I am one to carry the weight of the world. I don't handle the news well, one reason I don't watch it. Politics weigh on me, fear of disease, fear of losing someone, etc etc. The enemy has a field day on my mind & heart when tragedy actually does strike.

When my husband & I lived in our last house before this rental we got really scary news. A family we knew who only lived a couple blocks over needed serious prayer. It was a couple that had three boys. We did not know them very good, but enough to say hello when we ran into them. It was one of those things, where they were friends of friends. The mom and all three boys were in a head on collision while on their way to Jonesboro. Two boys walked away from the accident, but the mom and other son were flown to Memphis. The dad was asking for prayer that God would spare her life.......................

The son that was in the hospital had minor injuries and it wasn't long before he was home. But weeks turned into months & the mom was barely hanging. I remember weeping for her. I could not bare the thought of these boys losing their mama. She was not much older than me & it hit too close to home. She had brain injuries & they were not sure that even if she did recover, she would be anywhere close to normal. I remember driving by their house when I'd leave mine and my heart would sink, and I would pray, "God, have mercy........" 

Justin and I kept them in our prayers every night for weeks.

Time moved on, and it wasn't long before we were in the middle of selling, moving & building.

Months must have passed.

Last week I had to make a night time run for groceries. Justin has been working late on the house & it was one of those, "go now or starve tomorrow" type pressures. It was freezing out and after supper, I had many thoughts of what I could conjure up to cook the next day that would excuse me from leaving that evening. But I layered up, grabbed my list and left. I suppose the making meals from magic was over and I had to go.

Through out my shopping I kept seeing the back of this girl who wore a scarf type wrap around her head through the store. A boy about 15 or so was with her. I wasn't sure if this was a fashion statement or from sickness. An hour later I head to check out and this same girl ends up in front of me looking for a check out lane as well. I'm walking behind her and she turns her buggy into a lane then changes her mind and backs up, which causes me to back up, and seeing I'm making room for her she smiled at me and chooses the lane closest to me. Her smile seared in my mind. It was so familiar that I turned around a couple times to the check out behind me to try and get glimpse of her face and maybe place it.

As I'm grabbing grocery bags and placing them in my buggy it hits me, but I just could not believe that I was right. The mom with three boys...........................

She is done before me and walks right by me as she's leaving and something grabs a hold of my heart and I just have to know. "You look so familiar, may I ask your name?"

"Kerry. You look familiar too, I think I've seen you with your two little girls."

"Oh my goodness, what is your husband's name?"

She tells me and I cry.

I could not help myself.

Because you see, for someone who carries the weight of the world, it was as if God met me at the store that night and walked her by me and whispered, "I am still moving......" 

I told her we had been praying for her faithfully and that to see her there grocery shopping overwhelmed me.

She told me that she has already driven to Jonesboro twice by herself since she's been home & that the doctor told her within 18 months she would back to the way she was before the accident.

Friends, I cried all the way home. God not only saved her for those boys sake but to be a witness of the hope we have in Him. A walking angel of hope is what she is. God knew I needed to get groceries that night because he had an appointment to meet me there that night. He knew I needed that assurance, that shot in the arm of hope.

Thank you, God for that whisper that night....it pierced me deep. In all unfamiliar places I will trust. Just simply trust. 

Focusing on that gift.

Dear faithful readers, hello!

I just want to pause a second and breathe. Wow. What a month December has been. Is it really the New Year!? Really!? 

Christmas was beautiful and blurry. With a one year old, I spent a lot of time hot gluing ornaments back together. I also did a lot of online shopping this year, which means some gifts arrived on Christmas eve, just in time for the next morning. But hey, I love surprises. My sister, Kailey, has a gift still trying it's best to get here from over seas. It was ordered November 25th. Next time I'll know if I order from Hong Kong to give it at least three months. An even bigger surprise. I had spent a lot of time in October and November crocheting fingerless gloves, ponchos, & hats for some of my gift giving this year. I kinda miss those incredibly late nights trying to finish a project. 

Our trip to Texas was a week before Christmas weekend. What a trip this was. . .

The car ride was actually somewhat smooth thanks to a dear friend that loaned her secret to traveling with kiddos; the double screened DVD player. I'm not big on my kids gelling on TV for hours, mind you, but once I hit three kids, pesky no no's vanished. I welcomed the movies with open arms and big wet kisses. Really though, seven hours flew by. And it actually entertained baby J on the way there...we cracked up about him turning his head left and right trying to watch both screens with every movie. Unfortunately on the way home he was only half way impressed. With the warmth and goodness of seeing family and exchanging gifts of love, pulling into our driveway 4 days later was welcomed. Our truck smelled like a mixture of fries and pizza & I honestly felt like sleeping right into January. 

Also, another unfortunate event is that my kids all came down sick the whole week before Christmas. No appetites, fever, heavy, heavy coughs and pouring eyes and noses. This eventually put us into the doctor's office Christmas eve. All you can do is laugh. *big smiles* Justin and I found ourselves saying, "Merry almost Christmas" in some of the oddest places; the waiting room at the doctor's office, holding a screaming baby and coaxing another to eat, & through an occasional snore come night. 

We have this little tradition on Christmas eve. We have a "special" dinner by candle light, Justin reads the Christmas story aloud, dessert and then stockings. Or is it stockings then dessert? 
Of course, it was tough this year with hacking kids and low appetite children. And the baby.....he was simply miserable. Just a bundle of misery. He cried and cried all evening....here I am running around trying to throw this "special" meal together listening to this screaming and crying. He did not want to be held, to eat, to lay down or anything else you could possibly conjure up. He was happy just constantly reminding us he was miserable. There was this once I put my head in my hand and let out a long sigh that said, "this is ruining Christmas eve and the fun of it...why are we even trying so hard?" 

In that moment things got serious. The shooting at the elementary school came so heavy to my mind and heart that tears fell; what those parents would give to hear their children screaming right now on Christmas eve. Is it healthy, jolly little children that make this perfect or the truth that they're all right here.....with me. 

It may have been a long, tiring month...and it wasn't the easiest Christmas we ever had, but compared to what some of those parents were missing this Christmas I had every reason in the world to celebrate.

It's horrific realities of life that make us finally understand what's important and what's worthwhile in life. 

It was after that breathtaking reality shock that I embraced Christmas fully & quit trying to wish January upon us; among everything that wasn't perfect somehow I saw the manger & the lifesaving grace that laid there.....

Thank you, God,  for this gift. Thank you, God. How hard it must have been to send your only son into such a fallen, unpredictable place. But in these horrific incidents on earth, I see what saving grace was wrapped in those swaddling clothes and lying in a manger. 

Thank you. 

The shock and the morning after. . .

When my husband & I stood in line to vote yesterday I couldn't help but look at all those around me waiting for their turn. I know they had to be wondering the same thing. This year was different...it wasn't so much about democrats and republicans as it was moral and immoral. We all stood in line this week deciding the fate of our country, the blessed America, the future America. I won't lie, I was very surprised with the end result. In my heart, I really did believe Romney had the win. I just knew that was God's plan. 

My heart sank.

"The America my kids are going to have to face...."

"Our freedoms.....our liberties.....freedom to worship, to speak, to home school, to make our own choices medically, to make our own choices, period." 

"Abortion....now at it's most liberal capacity...the horror of this." 

"The legalizing of gay marriage being the norm for my kids..."

As Christians over the past four years we have already seen the liberties Muslims are gaining and we have lost, we cannot expect this to get better.

Fear.

Churches are being vandalized through out the states with Nazi signs. People have been arrested in their home for bible studies....

this has all been in America.

It was reported that at one poll a man wearing a t-shirt that read, "Vote biblical..." was told to put a jacket on due to "campaigning" & swaying voters....they said this while a life size poster of Obama and his campaign slogan hung on the wall. 

We watch while America voted to be "free" in their own eyes....free from morals, laws of the bible, and to choose their own god. 

From this we see why God sets laws & asks us to be holy....in that we find true freedom & life....otherwise we are on a pathway to death, because sin is really bondage, never "freedom." 

After the shock of the announcement last night & holding my breath for any last hope from Virginia, Florida and a possible recount of Ohio, I had to accept what was in place...especially once they announced Virginia and Ohio went to Obama. The reality of what our country was going to become and where it had come from and what it had stood for sunk it.....hard.

I wept.

The abortion and perversion of our nation is at an all time high, our country deserves judgement. I would have been surprised honestly at the patience of God, had He allowed Romney. 

Not to say that this election was not God's mercy....hard to see that right now....but being a person of morals (Christianity) and being an immoral person has never been more divided. Well, it probably has in History. 

There's a large line now. Not so much a "fine" line. Part of Obama's strategy is to turn America into an equal of the third world countries. This means financially, government wise (socialism), weapon wise, & religiously. He has accomplished much of this already---

But I have to say, God is allowing him to for a reason....maybe this is what it takes to wake a sleeping church up? To call the ones living in the grey to choose a side morally & actually live that. 

So, what do we do now??

We live. The fight for good and right will be a harder fight, to keep our children will be a tougher battle, but we fight for it. To preserve the good things of living right....

We continue to dig those good & right things up that are being squandered and buried.

(And I mean, dig)

We pray. Daily. While washing dishes, while folding clothes, while working in our daily surroundings, wherever that may be.

We pray for our president. That God would turn his heart. We pray for Christians all over our nation. We pray for God's protection & covering. 

And then we sigh....and trust. God is our rock, not America. 

I regretted telling Lauren the verdict this morning--she had prayed her little heart out that Romney would win. I did break the news and saw her wiping her little eyes....and then she asked, "But what will Obama do!?"

This made me sad. She hears family talking over politics and somehow in her little heart she knew her own freedom was in jeopardy. I smiled and said, "We give thanks that God's will has been done."

On our school chalkboard this morning I wrote, "Pray for our president, pray for our country, & remember God is our strong tower!" 

She smiled and wrote underneath, "God is big! Yay!!!!!"

We're feeling better. Just needed a higher view....Doesn't God say do not fear what man can do to you but the one who has power to cast your soul into hell? Whew! Glad to be on His side! Amen? 

"America, America, May God shed His grace on thee......"

Oh, that's "tacky."

I'm going to dabble into my last post just a tiny bit. I talked about "nibbling at the wrong table" and reasons we may do that. Reasons that range from "others do it," to "what would people think if I didn't," to "I admire them & I want to adopt some of their habits."  This post is not necessarily about eating tid bits from things the Lord has convicted us about, it's an in general look at why we're who we are. Have you ever really thought about why you're the way you are? I began to examine our lifestyle, our habits, our choices and our personalities....

What is truly "us" and what is things we've "adopted" because of reasons.

One of my favorite quotes from random people is when they say, "I'm looking for myself...I just need to find myself & figure out who I am." 

This used to seriously crack me up. I suppose I have a little sarcasm in me---"Well, have you forgotten your name? Your date of birth? Who's your ma and pa, son?" 

But maybe there's something to this. What is tacked on to us simply because of people in the past who made an impression? What is tacked on from insecurities? What is tacked on because of past mistakes? What is tacked on because otherwise people would "talk"? In a broader view, what therefore can be shaken off?

What is tacked on solely because of Jesus Christ and our faith?

When you can say we do or do not do something because of your faith, isn't this what makes you who you really are? What we are in Christ is all that is eternal & goes with us. 

I once heard a dear sister in Christ say, "I've been watching *insert show here* every week now for about four weeks to keep up with *so and so* because that's really all we have to talk about and she begged me to, but honestly I hate the show and disagree with almost everything in it. I can't wait for it to end." 

Is she living authentically? It goes against everything she believes, but she is trudging through it to keep something tacked on that gains her points with someone else. 

It made me think! What in the world is "tacked" on to me just because! 

And what is really authentic identity that Christ has given me? 

Really friends, this can be very liberating. Take them tacks off! Maybe it's not a bad idea to sit and evaluate who you are & why. 

There's so many things that the Lord lays on people's hearts to do differently but we suppress those nudges simply because of reasons.

"I joined this group because I feel I have to in order to keep up." 

"I put my kids in this or that because everyone Else's kids are doing activities."

"I really wish I had this or that because I think people would respect me more."

If we are doing things that are bringing more stress into our life and taking us away from our family then we really should stop and evaluate our reasons for doing them...maybe God has been nudging you a different path all along and you are finally going to get still & see what better dainties He has to offer. 

The bible says to lay on your bed at night and commune with your own heart---it is very biblical to lay your habits, do and dont's, lifestyles, burdens, intentions, before yourself and simply ask why? 

You consider your tacks today and I'll be over here considering mine & maybe we can come out a little more free, a little more authentic. Doesn't that just sound refreshing. 

Nibbling at the wrong table.

I sometimes feel that my writing comes across stern and judgmental at times, especially if I am particularly passionate about something. This is the last thing I want and judging others is the furtherest thing from my mind, friends. I felt the Lord leading me to get rid of facebook for awhile and I fear my post came across harsh about facebook altogether which is not what I intended. I have convictions about Halloween and choose to avoid it altogether. These are things that are *my* dealings...it is not a statement of convictions that I expect everyone to possess or follow. Lord forbid. He deals with each man differently because each man is just that....different. We have different agendas, different temptations, different struggles, different weaknesses, therefore, different convictions. When I write about something I'm going through---it is simply... that....--something *I'm* going through. It is not a "throw out" note to hammer the rest of the world. Please understand this and see my sincerity. I have absolutely no judgement to any one of you who do things differently than me....I love you all & hope to only be an encouragement where you need it the most. I am also very humbled and honored to those of you who even read my ramblings & care about our family. 

Every year around October we get the 'pure shock look' and comment of, "you don't just let them dress up and go get a little candy?" Thankfully, I did not have to endure the lectures from anyone this year, but my husband did. It's funny, really. People act as if it's so un-american, like we don't eat cheese burgers. They presume we live in a village & don't watch tv either (i mean, we don't pay for cable but that is simply because we're not tv people, dvds and netflix mostly). I guess what I'm saying is, if you don't trick or treat then what other weird things are you hiding!? People always make me feel so odd. Why don't you do this, or that, and why do you, do this and that? Sometimes I just want to ask, why do you care so much what we do or don't do? I say that in complete humor. People who do anything different just arouses curiosity. 

For me, I am somewhat of an extremist. Like, I'm an all or nothing person.  This type of personality shows in lots of my decisions. And there are many things that I just really dont know the answer to so I just choose to back away until I get an answer through lots of prayer & the word. There are lots of logical reasons why I don't celebrate Halloween...mostly the history of it, we don't do scary, and I abhor the candy (And yes my kids eat candy, sugar, & chew gum). But this year my husband had a friend that said, "but you can dress up innocently & just let them enjoy the fun parts.".......I pondered his statement. Not that I haven't thought of this myself in times past....I have thought of all types of ways to make it okay for us but sometimes you just don't feel right in your heart about something. And sometimes that's enough. But I did get a verse I felt was from the Lord, FOR ME, to confirm what I felt. 

"Incline not my heart to any evil thing, to practice wicked works of men who work iniquity: and let me not eat of their dainties." psalms 141:4

The amplified version reads:

"Incline my heart not to submit or consent to any evil thing or to be occupied in in deeds of wickedness with men who work iniquity: and let me not eat of their dainties." 

There's a lot of fun in things out there. . .but if something is a conviction for us, we don't need to pick the fun stuff out of it and eat of it just to fit in. I say this in many areas of life; we feel getting drunk is wrong, but we'll justify that going to a party and only drinking a little is okay. I bring this up because the guy my husband was talking to also stated things like that. ^ "I know being around people that party is bad for me and a downfall for me, but I can handle it if I just drink a little...." 

What happened to abstaining from even the appearance of evil? 

Why do we have to eat of the dainties at the wrong table? Even if we're just nibbling. 

Do we not trust that God's table will satisfy? That it will not bring us pleasure? 

It's not so much a do and don't list dear friends, it's so much of a trust thing.....why do we simply doubt that God's table will suck the fun out of things? That it will leave us boring, legalistic, & stiff? Doesn't His word promise the exact opposite?

Doesn't it say He will give us life and give it more abundantly. That in His presence is fullness of joy. Why do we doubt the very one who created us & knows how we're wired?

Understand, this is not a post about Halloween. This is a post about anything you may feel the slightest bit convicted about and choose to nibble at...For me, it just happened to be Halloween. 

Facebook just happened to be something I couldn't control well. It was a downfall for me. I justified staying on for family and many other reasons, but God has to be our first priority and if something keeps you away from that then you need to let it go. Others control it well and it doesn't mean anything to them, and yay for them! Boo for me. :)

So, in conclusion, never feel that I am judging any of you. Ever. Judgement should always begin with ourselves and always compared to how short we fall to God's holiness and HIS standards, not compared to others. I have friends that do Halloween and we love them immensely & they know all is grace here, and I love how they can extend that grace to us in what we feel. There's no condemnation on either side. 

My sister and a friend asked me recently how I'd been doing without facebook. That question almost makes me laugh because I feel like I'm being weened off a drug & people sincerely asking, How are you??? 

In response and for all those who truly care and wonder, I am doing great. My mind doesn't feel so cluttered and I feel like I think more clearly. I feel more organized and more patient with the children. I don't feel as stressed or burdened. Why did facebook make me burdened? I don't know. I'm just odd, remember? Justin, would always tell me, "Krysten. Facebook is not real." And I would say, "Oh yes it is. It's interacting with very real people & real situations." He just did not how real it was for me...those situations carried into my home & my actions. So, yes, I am doing well without it, and surprisingly enough do not miss it. Mostly when I think about it, I remember the feeling it left me with day in and day out--and I certainly don't miss that. 

Thank you all who follow me here & keep up with us. You all mean very much to me & I am honored that you cared to stay in touch with us. May God bless you all this weekend. 

Those hard places...

Give thanks, always. We get busy. A crisis comes our way. We become discontent. Restless. Careless. Distracted. Bored. Preoccupied. Overwhelmed. But God stresses that we continually offer a sacrifice of praise & thanksgiving. Why?

Maybe because that's exactly what it is most of the time; a sacrifice. Hasn't sacrifice always brought glory to God?

A couple Sundays back I humbly shared how in the realms of being a patient, good mommy I had missed the mark horribly, earlier that week. Not that by any means I normally hit the mark--but some days I have failed in every way you can possibly fail. I think the worst of this is the guilt you carry of letting your children down so hard; over and over. Multiple times. We work so hard to protect our children from danger, from pain, from evil & yet we are the ones who can truly hurt them the worst I think. That's hard to swallow. So, I sat sharing my story  and looked around at the faces listening hoping to find grace in my shame. Mind if I share it here too? It really does have everything to do with thanksgiving. 

My weeks have been long lately. Apart from my husband working his regular job, he's been heading straight to our land and working on the house till bed time. We knew it would be this way and we were ready. I thought. Normally I'm accustomed to him getting home right before I start dinner and helping with the littles. These long days I saw him at bed time. The chaos of cooking with everyone at my feet, waiting. Sitting down at supper without him, over and over. Days going by without our family time and putting the kids down myself added up. 

Just a little insight into what my days had been...and will be for awhile. 
This one particular morning I remember struggling to get out of bed. Ah, the motivation, where was it? I believe motivation had run off because another week was just too scary. As dear Ann would say, sacrifice always starts by your feet hitting that cold floor, while this is true, it certainly doesn't mean that it's a glorious sacrifice. I walked into kitchen ready to bite whatever need came to me first. And that's exactly what I did; most of the day. I knew by that afternoon I had done my "duties" but I had cast a horrible shadow on everyone around me in the process...and I had left an altar to the Lord, empty. 

I excused myself from everyone & walked into my room and dropped to my knees. Isn't sweet surrender supposed to be...sweet? I felt aggravated. Frustrated that I needed to repent. Funny in a way huh. 

God, I am so annoyed that I am a sinner and that I sinned!

Needless to say, it wasn't a comfortable surrender. I began by asking forgiveness. I logically knew I was wrong---I just didn't feel very sorry. After repentance, I began to offer thanks....it was not easy at first. 

"God, thank you my kids are all healthy & whole. . ."

"God, thank you for protecting Justin everyday, the things I know about, and the things I don't..."

"God, thank you I am healthy enough to do what I need to do..."

"God, thank you for all the food in the house, I'd hate to be scraping to feed my family..." 

*heart begins to soften*

"...And Lord, thank you my family is alive..."

*tears*

Finally a sweet smelling savor on the altar. 

There's nothing better than an emptying before the Lord. Isn't the Lord happy with those that empty themselves from all their stuff so He can fill?

If anything, we know a hard sacrifice & thanksgiving in its self brings God glory, is this not reason enough to do it?

Though it brings glory to the King, there's a secret there that God knows so well. As it was with Abraham and the attempt to offer a very hard sacrifice, God met Him there with a ram and blessed him abundantly. 

We enter His gates with thanksgiving, and into His courts with praise. 

And it's in those hard places that we offer up a sacrifice on that cold, hard altar, and that burning savor to the Lord can't help but leave its mark on us. We wear that fragrance. That fire melts the hard in us. We are the ones the walk away with the treasure. 

When I feel restless, aggravated, worried, overwhelmed I know where I need to go; the eye doctor,  the heart specialist...because we need new glasses, new vision & we need a heart change, and soon...doesn't this always take place at the altar of praise?

"Happy the person who has an empty vessel and God waiting ever ready to fill. Unhappy they who have no empty vessel. 

-George V.Wigram

An exposed or hidden life?

  It was the flashback of Lauren coming to me after a semester of ballet ended and regretfully saying, "I didn't win the free summer class. *insert name here* did. " The downcast look she wore as if to say, I failed, I wanted to come out here and tell you I was the best and make you so very proud. After all, she had won it the previous year, I guess she expected to win, again. Such disappointment to have not measured up this time....and beaten by the same girl....twice. 

   It was also the flashback of her coming to me days later after a festival we had attended & shamefully saying, "the girls were mean to me. They told me to go away. But I don't know why." Why did it take her days to admit this to me? Her mother. 

  Or maybe it was the flashback of her coming out days later and confessing she had been cornered and bullied at a class I had been taking her to. "Mom, the bigger girl kept getting in my face and telling me I was a wicked girl..." she said as tears fell and fell and fell. 

It's true that we praise our children highly and in their innocence they face life in somewhat of a fairy tale idea. "You're so good!" "You won! I knew you would!" "Go mingle and makes friends! They'll love you." 

We pop in Cinderella and they begin to believe it will all end in a fantasy.

But then life becomes real. The picture we painted of who they were and what people would love about them shatters & we see where we really live....a fallen world.

The hard reminders of this breaks our heart.

Don't we all get thrown this hard ball? We find out something that was said behind our back; we find out we weren't invited; we find out we didn't even place; we see other women appearing to do it better; etc, etc....

I have to wrap my head around this and cup Lauren's face & admit, not everyone will like you. Not everyone will treat you kindly even if you treat them kindly. You will not always be the winner. People will be mean. 

And then I remember this quote:

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you.
Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.
Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten.
Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.
Give your best anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway.

-Mother Teresa.

Does the bible not say, do unto others as you would have them do to you? Only if they return the favor? Or simply.....that's what you do.. 

Does the bible not say the world will hate you because they hate me (Jesus)?

Then why do we teach our children the opposite? Why do we strive for the opposite in our own life?

Why do we get our feelings hurt so easy by others? Why do we strive and push our children for popularity? Why do we teach them to be men pleasers? Is it because that's exactly what we are? We need the friendships of....everyone, to be liked, to be praised, to be applauded? 

I remember when I felt to start blogging again. I searched around the blog world before writing again and became very humbled. Everything I wanted to write about was out there. Mothering, God, homeschooling,etc, etc....not only was it already out there, but it was out there multiple times. I could hardly even conjure up a new post...I would hear that silent whisper, "it's already been written about. . .and more eloquent at that." Who was I but another speck in the blog sphere. I saw how small I was in light of how important I rated my thoughts. Bummer. Another hard ball of life. 

God whispers, "But....it was never between you and them anyways."

It's always about pleasing Him.

And so, I have to teach Lauren while I learn this too;

It is good to become small, humble, & hidden.

Our life is not meant to be continually at the top with big ratings it is meant for the small, humble, weak, poor, broken, and hidden things.....

I tell Lauren, it is good, very good to have not won a free summer class, I am happier she  loves to dance. Isn't she dancing for her King anyways? Maybe this other little girl was better? So what? People will be better than you at things you love. Do it anyways.

I tell Lauren that it's okay the little girls were mean, our measure of worth cannot be left in the hands of such small, innocent people. Through that she will learn that God will never forsake her & understand what it means to be held by Him. Others do have a way of making us feel about two feet, don't they? I explained to her that she was so occupied and striving so hard to keep up with this bigger group of girls that night, that she missed a couple very quiet girls that were alone most the evening. Sometimes God needs us to stop & look. Maybe He has something better, something real. 

The bully? Lauren didn't know her name. All she remembers is that this girl was bigger and wore blue socks that day. In our faithful night time prayers she is known as, 'blue socks.' A year and a half later we still pray for her...who knows, maybe Lauren will see her again someday when they're older and see how God was faithful to "blue socks" through her faithful prayers. 

"The fishes of the sea live in salt water, yet when we eat boiled fish there is no salt taste in the water in which they have been boiled. They live in an atmosphere impregnated by salt, yet they have kept free it's flavor. So do Christians live in the world, without taking it into their hearts."

-His Victorious Indwelling.