Tuesday, April 5, 2011

I want to see!

Dear readers, my heart is spilling over. I have so many points I'd love to share but I know that some things can only be truly shared when it's face to face; possibly over coffee or tea. In my life I have longed to understand certain things about God but at the same time that I've had this longing/questioning, I have had this hole that feels like I can't get enough of Him. I have felt I needed more. More of Him. I have felt passionate for God but didn't know what to do with it. I have heard many sermons over the years and they all have good spiritual practices we need to be doing; enangelism, reading the Word more, loving others, being good parents, etc. All true but truthfully, I felt starved. Over the years I have learned to live with these feelings because life keeps moving...even when we want/need it to stop so we can breathe. 

As of today, I am at a place of learning God's love for His bride. For me. For Krysten. One of the reasons I am beginning to see and feel such love is that He has not left me to question Him or suffer in this union with Him alone. I had not asked God (out loud anyways) to help me with doubting Him or to feel His love for me. He just knew. Because He knows my heart. He answered the longing of my heart and holes of doubt in my mind because He loves me & knows me. More than anyone else knows me. What a God! A God who searches us and mends our quiet sufferings without us even having to ask at times. I have heard my whole life we need to have faith. We need to trust. It's not God that has moved it's you. etc. etc....though all these are true, it wasn't filling my starved spirit! I needed to know God loved me! I had the head knowledge but I didn't feel it. I simply blamed this on myself. But a person cannot help that they're blind or deaf. It is God who opens the eyes of the blind and ears of the deaf. He has been my healer. I have felt like the blind begger when Jesus scooped mud and put it on His eyes & once that heavy, thick mud fell or was wiped off, He saw Jesus. He had felt Him. His hands. He looked into His face. Or the deaf who felt Jesus touch each ear and they heard His voice! They not only read His words, they could hear Him....loudly.

He created people with a need to be loved. It's all over the world, even in the secular world. This is why the secular world gets worse in their sin & perversion...they are hungry for deeper things! Obviously this leaves them still seeking and eventually wanting to merely die as love starved creatures. There are even christians who are starved...but they continue to do their "spiritual" routine of church gatherings, after church gatherings, another good sermon, another couple chapters from the word, another prayer....and are taught this is it. Someday you will see God face to face. Oh, and if you hit a dry season then remember, it is not God who has moved! And everyone says "amen!" But as everyone says "amen!' I have to wonder if they are struggling to steady their head knowledge and have buried the longings way down deep of desperately needing to feel loved. Yes, we know what the Bible says about God loving us, we know the Gospel story by heart and are comforted...it's the good news, right? But how intimate is God to us? I have wanted more of Him and haven't understood what the cry of my inner spirit even was. We get pounded in our heads how sinful we are, how much we don't deserve what He did for us, how filthy, failures, always failing....but who has taught me the love of my savior? Though I was undeserving He clothed me, He called me by name, Krysten D'Ann Stasny, I choose you. I choose to bless you. Oh the gifts He bestows on His beloved!! So many blinded children who don't see and cannot hear Him, everywhere in their life. I have craved something out of the ordinary; something that didn't hound me over the head telling me to go read my bible more, i needed to pray more, i needed to do & this and this, and inside I'm screaming "I know!! I am too busy wiping runny noses, and feeding people who need me!!" .........this is where my tears flow. Why? Because I have become real with Him and He responded.

The end result. Though, He doesn't end and this is why it will never get old. I have found Jesus ALL in my life. The Bible says He is all things...I laugh when I read this verse because of the joy it brings me. He is the face of my kids who are hungry, the face of my husband who needs a place of refuge after work, He is all things in my life. He captivates me with a sensation of love I have never felt while I'm standing there washing loads of dishes. A ray of sun now pours in the window and I can hear Him, loudly, "I love you." God is all things in my life. I just needed Him to open my eyes to see Him...open my ears to hear Him and open my heart to fully receive His love. Friend, there is no better feeling. I'm beginning to feel full and overflowing (yet still longing for more)...no longer starved and going through the motions. He longs for intimacy with His bride. As women relating to our husbands we are more emotional than they are. We cannot have intimacy if there is enmity between us and our spouse. If there's doubt or any hurt....we do not feel free to fully enter into that love. This is why we have to be honest with God. Our hurts, our pains, our fears of Him, our doubt.......He is the healer and when He heals and restores these negatives we begin to fall in love with our savior, fully.

A courageous heart is a heart that is convinced and loved. -Beth Moore

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